How to Pick Up a Woman
You know the feeling. You're out at a bar or a club, or even just walking down the street, when you see the most amazing woman. She could be drop-dead gorgeous, or something about her smile is making you itch to get to know her better. But when you approach her, you get nervous. You forget what to say, start mumbling, and in extreme cases, may even forget your own name. If you want to know how to pick up a woman without being nervous or shy, just get started by reading step 1.
Having a Solid Approach
Know when to approach.The first step to picking up a woman is finding the right woman. You should find a woman who looks ready to talk to someone new, whether it's because she's bored with her current company, or just because she's out and looking for some fun. Though you can't always tell if a woman wants some new company, the more open she is, the more likely you'll be to succeed. Here are some tell-tale signs that you should go up to her:
- Obviously, if she's checking you out. If she has looked over at you more than once, and has even smiled when you caught eyes, then she is checking you out. If her friends are all looking over at you and giggling, then she -- or at least one of her friends -- is checking you out. Get over there already.
- If she looks bored or annoyed with her company. Maybe she's yawning repeatedly when talking to a needy girlfriend, or she keeps rolling her eyes at the group of loud bros she showed up with. Come on, knight in shining armor -- it's your chance to gallop on over and save her from her company. If you read the situation correctly, then she'll appreciate the change of pace.
- Don't approach if she's on a date, unless it's obviously not going well. If she's having an intense lip-locking session with her man, steer clear. But if she's on what looks like a first date and she looks absolutely bored or the guy she's with is spending more time checking his phone, you can approach her when the guy steps outifyou're feeling bold.
- Don't approach if she's having an intense catch-up session with her girlfriend. If she's in a big group of women, that's one thing, but if it's her and another friend, and they are talking quickly and intensely and they haven't scanned in crowd in over an hour, she's probably getting some much-needed catch up time with a friend.
Approach her with confidence.Once you've found your target, you need to show her that you're confident about who you are, that you love what you do, and that you'd love to get to know her, but your life won't be over if she rejects you. Remember that most women will know if they want to go home with you within the first fifteen minutes of the conversation, so make your time with the girl count. Here's how to do it:
- Make eye contact. First, make eye contact with her from across the room. Then, make sure to lock eyes with the woman when you come up to her. You don't have to be creepy about it, but you should show that you're comfortable enough with the situation to look into her eyes instead of staring at the floor or your feet.
- Smile. Smiling will show that you're cool with the situation, and that you're not nervous. Remember: you're happy with who you are, so even if she rejects you flat out, you'll walk out with your head high.
- Don't slouch and don't cross your arms over your chest. Keep your body open -- anything can happen.
- Give her all of your attention. Without getting too close, turn your body toward her, and avoid any distractions, like checking your phone every five seconds -- or at all.
- Part of looking confident is dressing well. You don't have to wear something expensive, but just put on a flattering outfit that fits well, and look like you've showered earlier that day.
Have a killer opening.Once you've come up to the girl, you have to make sure you say and do the right thing so you hook her interest. If you start off on the wrong foot, it may be hard to recover, so you should make a good impression as soon as you can. Here's how to do it:
- Relax. If you're not relaxed when you join her, she'll know it in a second and will be turned off. Remind yourself that the worst thing that can happen is that she rejects you. Can you survive that?
- Don't use a pick up line. Unless you think she has a really silly sense of humor, avoid any common pick up lines like, "You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all night." Women won't appreciate your lack of originality.
- Make it clear that you're hitting on her. Though you'll need to charm her friends because their approval will be important to her, you should make it clear that you want her attention, not that you're the kind of guy who approaches a group of eight women hoping that just one of them will want him (even if this is the case).
- Be direct. Just say, "Mind if I join you?" Or, if she looks bored with her company and you're feeling brave, just say, "Would you like to come sit with me? I'd love to buy you a drink."
- Introduce yourself. Tell her your name, and if you want to be cute and formal, you can even shake her hand.
Getting Her Interested
Make her feel like the most amazing woman in the world.Let's face it. People want to feel special. Don't feed her corny lines about how hot she is. Instead, let her know that you think she's a unique chick and do in an authentic way. Here's how to do it:
- Ask her questions about herself. Don't pry or get personal. Just ask her a few questions about herself, like what she loves to do, if she likes her neighborhood, or even her favorite sports teams or TV shows. You don't want to walk away and have the girl think, "Wow, he doesn't know one thing about me. He obviously just wanted to talk to me because he thought I was hot."
- Ask her opinion on things. Show that her opinion matters. Just ask her some light-hearted questions about what she thinks of the cocktails at the bar you're at, or even if she likes your new shoes.
- Don't be afraid to compliment her even if you think she's heard it all before. If she's beautiful, interesting, or has a great sense of humor, tell her. If you're casual and honest about it, you won't overwhelm her.
Fascinate her.The key to picking up a woman is not only making her enjoy talking to you, but to make her think, "Hey, this is awesome -- I want more of this." She should not only think you're a fun guy to talk to at a bar, but that she'd like to see you outside of a public setting. Here's how to do it:
- Show her what makes you special. Without showing off, tell her at least two or three things that will make her want to get to know you. Did you teach yourself Japanese or spend a year on a motorcycle in Rio? Cool. Just don't make anything up.
- Find some common bonds. Find something you have in common, whether it's your love for college basketball or Mexican food, that you can talk about. Don't make her think, "I love talking to this guy, but I just don't think it'll go anywhere because we don't have anything in common."
- Tell her something interesting. Show her that you're a guy who reads the paper and knows what's going on in the world. Without being boring, tell her a random fact that caught your eye recently.
Be yourself -- to a point.This means that you should show her who you really are instead of putting up a phony front, but that you should also tone down the more unique parts of your personality until she gets to know you better, or she may be thrown off. Here's how to do it:
- Don't be a poser. Don't act like you're this hot shot who gets a lot of women. Just be a cool guy who wants to get to know her. Don't talk about all the other girls in your life, or she'll think, then why is he talking to me?
- Show her who you are. Tell her a bit about your interests, what you do on the weekends, or mention that awesome trip you took to Tahoe with your buddies. The girl should have a sense of who you are besides that guy who is hitting on her.
- Remember that you're not with your bros. Though she can get to know you for real later, hold off on the crass jokes, or the stories that might make you come off in an unflattering light.
Charm her with your sense of humor.Women love guys who can make them laugh, especially if they can do it without trying too hard. You should show her that you're funny and that you can keep up with her. Don't make her think you're trying so hard to make her laugh that she just feels sorry for you. Here's how to do it:
- Keep up some witty banter. If she says something funny, don't just say, "That's so funny" and laugh without responding. Instead, fire back something equally funny to show you can keep up.
- Tease her gently. Women love if you tease them if you do it the right way. Just poke fun at something she says, or tease her about her unique laugh. This will develop your relationship on a more playful level.
- Make fun of yourself. Don't be self-deprecating, but show that you don't take yourself too seriously and that you're able to laugh at yourself.
Making a Graceful Exit
Know when you are not welcome.Part of making a graceful exit is knowing when you are not wanted. This could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe the girl's just not digging you. That's okay. Maybe she has a boyfriend and doesn't want to waste your time. Maybe she just wants to spend time with her girlfriends. Whatever the reason, once you get the sense it's time to leave, get going.
- If the conversation lags completely and the girl is checking her phone or looking around constantly, it's time to leave.
- If her friends start rolling their eyes at you or ignoring you, it's time to leave.
- Once you know it's time to go, don't embarrass yourself further by saying, "Well, it looks like you're just not interested" or "Sorry to bother you." Just say, "Hey, it was great talking to you. I'll see you around later."
- Walk out with a smile on your face, even if you're disappointed.
- But if she's laughing a lot, maintaining eye contact, playing with her hair, and just generally looking like she's having a great time talking to you and wants more, it's time to step it up.
If it's going well, take it to the next level.If you've really clicked during the conversation, and the girl is clearly into you, then it's time to kick it up a notch and see where this thing goes. You're trying to pick up the woman, right? So what are you waiting for?
- If you're at a bar or nightclub and things are wrapping up, you can say, "How about we go somewhere more private to talk?" Or, "What do you say we get out of here?"
- If you know the girl wants to keep hanging out but you don't want to turn her off by trying to isolate her yet, ask her if she and her friends want to go to a quieter bar down the street, or invite her out to an after party with your friends. Remember, she just met you, and even if she likes you, she may not want to get down on the first night.
- If you're not ready to ask her to come home with you, get her number. Don't be nervous. Just make it clear that you're really asking her out. Say, "Hey, this has been a great conversation, and I'd love to talk to you more over drinks or dinner. Can I get your number to set that up?"
- You are going to get shot down from time to time. That's life. Pick yourself up and try again.
- Remember that you can pick up a girl at a place that's not a bar or a club. You can pick up a woman in a park or a coffee shop. This can work better because she won't be expecting it. Just make sure you're not interrupting her if she clearly wants to be left alone.
- Dress well, but more importantly, dress appropriately. Don't wear your clubbing shirt to a college watering hole and don't wear a t-shirt and sneakers to the club.
- If you ever end up as the third wheel out at a bar, don't fret. This is an excellent pickup situation if the girl you're with is willing to assist you. Girls hold each other's opinions rather highly and she will have an easier time getting the object of your affection to come over. Some girls may view this as wimpy or a cop-out, so make sure that when you meet her, you dispel that suspicion immediately.
- Consider going to the bar with a few friends. It's best if your group has a few women. It adds a little mystery and competition ("I wonder if he's dating any of them?") and shows that you are a social human being.
- Remember that nobody owes you time or attention. If she's not feeling it, or she's leaning away from you, not making eye contact, etc. it's time to move on.
- If she's super drunk, to the point where she can hardly walk, get her a taxi and send her home. Don't hook up with someone who is too drunk to consent. That's super creepy behavior.
Sources and Citations
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